On my last post I stated that I would try to put up something onto my shop once I managed to deal with my camera. I didn’t lie.. I just didn’t do anything. As such, things around here haven’t actually changed since the last time I blogged.
I was really excited about finally having the drive and determination and feeling my dreams when I started this blog. Unfortunately, it came at a time when I needed to focus on my studies (finals) so while those emotions were at the peak, I couldn’t put them to good use and have to wait until everything that could distract me is over. And it turns out that what comes after a peak of creativity roll is just a general period of slump.
I didn’t do much art for like a month or so. I didn’t even take out my art journal to look at the pages I’ve created, something I would do if I feel the urge to do something but didn’t know exactly what to do. So this means that I didn’t even feel the urge to do anything. It’s a terrible feeling, and I hate myself for doing it, but I can’t help myself, and I can’t do anything that can lift me out of this terrible feelings. If anything, it made me feel worse, because whatever I attempt to do just isn’t connected to me and if I do not do anything, then guilt just keeps hounding me until I’m appear desensitised and I just shut everything and everybody out.
I even stopped catching up on the videos on YouTube and the newsletter I subscribed to, because I don’t even have the mood or desire to think about art and other people’s creativity. And what I do all day is to sit on the sofa and do brainless things – playing phone games, playing pokemon, reading manga, watching tv and it just keep going on and on because that state of brainlessness is such a welcome after all the things to worry about at school, or living alone during my exchange semester.
I don’t know. There’s a lot of things that I wanted to do during my summer holidays now but I just don’t feel like doing any of them now. Or anything for that matter. Add to that is the pressure of being broke and the guilt and unease of spending my parents’ money at this age when everybody else is working pr interning during the summer. I know I didn’t make this decision to not work to laze around but at the moment everything is not going according to plan. I am still dreaming of blogging my artistic attempts and setting up a shop of things I create but it seems that right now, it’s going to take slightly longer time for everything to be on track again. Not that it appears there was any track in the first place.
I’m hoping this will go away soon. The past couple of days I did some little things, mostly things that I left lying around half completed. No pictures, because I still have not processed all the other photos in the camera (I have a habit of processing my photos in batches, and the ones in them now are my mum’s photos so I don’t want to mix them up). I’m thinking I ought to resort to more mobile blogging but it bugs me to have the picture quality compromised using the phone. As you can tell from the posts and other things that are up on the blog, I have yet to properly present myself and the kind of art I do. And in case you are wondering, ‘Ponderings’ are just blog posts that do have anything to do with the art per se but everything to do with me, my journey and mostly reflections.
I’m lucky that I did a blog assignment prior to starting with my blog, and whatever I did for that helped me with this blog. It’s also the reason why I chose WordPress, because I found picture insertion to be much much easier than I remember from using Blogger. I also like how easy it is to insert links, especially links within the blog. The design is actually the same one I used for that blog, though I came to realise that the features available to me using the normal WordPress and the one offered by my university (but powered by WordPress) is rather different. So in some sense I’m struggling from using a more complete version and downgrading to the normal one that most people uses. No matter. A long post on senseless things, but I really wanted to post this out to the few people who read this blog.